When Through Deep Waters Page 5

  “Alicen—” Louise started.

  “Don’t,” Alicen said. “Don’t say I wasn’t like her; don’t say I was a good mother; don’t try and . . .” Alicen fell short of words and shook her head. She felt her heart start to ache and her throat burn. She needed to change directions before she was a fumbling puddle of insanity in front of Louise again. “Forget it,” she said and forced a sharp laugh, as if the train of thought were nonsense. She exhaled and looked around the room. “So where do you want me to start?”

  Louise knew better than to push and cleared her throat. “Well, we should divide and conquer. I was thinking you could start upstairs, and I’ll tackle this floor.”

  Alicen nodded.

  “My dad wants all the encyclopedias, dictionaries, and reference books, which are upstairs on the first couple of bookshelves. Pretty much everything else from there goes. Boxes and tape are over there,” Louise said, pointing. Alicen crossed the floor and reached for them.

  “Just mark the boxes accordingly and bring them down here when you’re finished,” Louise said.

  Alicen grabbed a stack of collapsed boxes, a roll of tape, and a black marker and headed for the stairs.

  “Let me know if you need anything,” Louise said.

  Alicen glanced over her shoulder to smile but said nothing as she climbed the curved steel staircase. It twisted up and out of sight, leading to a top level that was half the size of the ground floor. Ten taller bookcases lined the space, each one dark oak, each one filled with books.

  Soft, muffled music drifted up from downstairs, and Alicen was happy for the white noise. She placed the packing tools on the only uncluttered surface on this floor, an antique reading desk, and flicked on the glass lamp that sat on top of it. Warm yellow light filled part of the room, and Alicen walked toward the rear to open the closed drapes.

  Dust enveloped the space around Alicen’s head as she ripped the curtains open. She coughed through the floating particles and waved her hand back and forth to clear a spot for her to breathe. The room now illuminated enough to work, the dust settling to the floor, Alicen walked up and down the rows of shelves. The first couple were as Louise had said they’d be, stuffed with hundreds of encyclopedias, dictionaries, and reference volumes. They were dressed in different-colored bindings, published across the decades. It was an impressive collection.

  Alicen folded together and taped a cardboard box. She then began to sort through and collect all the dictionaries published in a specific date range, trying to keep them as organized as possible. She worked diligently and taped the first box closed when it was full. She labeled it and began another.

  Something thunked toward the farthest-back bookshelves, and she lifted her head from her work to see what it was. She waited for a moment, but when there was nothing, she went back to the task at hand. Something knocked again, as if someone were pushing books off the shelf, and Alicen stood from where she had been kneeling. She looked toward the back of the room, tucked mostly in shadows, and listened.

  The noise sounded once more, and Alicen’s heart leapt ever so slightly. “Louise?” she called.

  “Yeah?” came her friend’s voice up the stairs from below.

  No surprise there. Louise wouldn’t have been able to get up here and past Alicen without being seen; the space wasn’t that large. Alicen wasn’t even sure why she’d called out.

  “Do you need something?” Louise asked.

  Alicen shook her head. “No, sorry; I thought I heard you call me,” she lied. She then scolded herself for acting paranoid over what was probably nothing, capped her black marker, and started toward the back of the room. She reached the final row of shelves and turned her head down the thin aisle. At the end, lying on the floor in the middle of the row, were three books.

  Alicen felt her breath catch, and she peered down the second-from-last aisle to see if there was something pressing against the back side that might have made the books fall.

  Nothing. The aisle was clear. She moved her eyes back down the last aisle and stared at the fallen volumes. She exhaled forcefully and again scolded herself.

  She’d heard three thuds and here, right before her eyes, was the evidence of where the noise had come from. Why should that make her heart quiver? This was annoying and ridiculous. Anything could have caused the books to slip to the floor. A draft, movement, a mouse. Alicen bit her bottom lip and scrunched her nose. She hoped it wasn’t a mouse. She let out another deep breath and walked the short distance to the books, squatted to grab them, and stood.

  Nothing strange about a breeze knocking books off the bottom shelf. That’s what she was going to tell herself it was, because if it was a mouse she was going to lose it. She thought about kneeling to double-check, then decided against it. She looked at the books in her hand. They were chapter books, aged by time, with familiar titles.

  A Wrinkle in Time.

  The Secret Garden.

  Treasure Island.

  Children’s books. Alicen looked at the covers fondly. She had probably read these exact copies. Mrs. Watson had always encouraged her and Louise to read and often let them borrow books from the shop to take on their adventures. Alicen had been the better reader, so on more than one occasion as the girls perched somewhere in hiding, Alicen would read the stories out loud while Louise questioned every character motive and plot twist. Louise was convinced she could tell the story better and often made up her own version.

  Alicen chuckled softly to herself. Louise’s version usually was more exciting. Something rustled behind her, and Alicen spun around. There was nothing but stillness, the shadows, the air, completely calm. Again something reached her ears, soft and muffled, like whispers above her, and she turned her head in all directions. The noise came and went, almost like static, but softer. Like whispered voices.

  Alicen took a step away from the stuffy end of the aisle, and the noise stopped. Her heart beat against the inside of her chest, the three books clenched against the outside. The voices returned. Or maybe they weren’t voices; maybe it was the music from downstairs. Maybe it was the wind. Suspense drifted over her shoulders like it was coming from the air itself.

  She heard herself say “Hello?” out loud, as if she expected the whispery static to respond, and again the entire floor went still. She stood like stone, waiting, straining to listen. Nothing.

  For the third time she scolded herself, cursing under her breath at the insanity she was falling prey to.

  Behind her another something thunked, and she jumped, letting out a tiny squeal. She spun around. Another book lay where she had just gathered the other three. The cover faced upward, the colored cartoon picture clear.

  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

  Jane’s favorite.

  Alicen just stared, unable to drag her eyes away. How many times had she read chapters from the classic? How many times had her daughter begged to read just one more page? The whispers came again, this time accompanied by what sounded like soft, playful giggling, the kind only children made. Alicen’s mind swirled as she took an instinctive step back from the newly fallen book.

  Then a distinct voice, louder than the others, close enough and real enough that Alicen was sure she felt breath behind her ear, said her name.

  Alicen.

  She whipped around.

  Nothing. The giggling faded until the entire floor was quiet again. Cold chills rushed through her body, even though sweat had begun to gather in her palms. Without another thought, she left the aisle, headed for the staircase, and climbed down. Her breaths were short and trembling. She reached the bottom, her eyes stinging with tears, her heart thundering. She started for the front door; she needed to escape the past that was haunting her mind.

  “Hey,” a voice called from behind, and Alicen did a full jump and screech, bumping a nearby bookshelf painfully. She cursed and grabbed the place where her hip had connected with the sharp wooden edge.

  “Whoa,” Louise said, rushing to Alicen’s
side. “You okay?”

  Alicen pulled away from Louise’s touch and winced in pain. She took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah.”

  Louise stepped back. “You sure?”

  Alicen looked at her worried friend, unsure what to say. Should she tell her she thought she’d heard strange whisperings and laughing children while an invisible hand pushed children’s novels to the floor? Hearing her own thoughts made her feel as crazy as she would sound saying that sentence aloud. She opened her mouth to say anything else and was suddenly struck with the absurdity of it all.

  Louise just stared at her as Alicen shook her head and then released a chuckle. “You startled me,” Alicen said.

  “Yeah,” Louise replied, her eyes widening and her lips turning up into a mocking grin. “I picked up on that.”

  Alicen brought her free hand to her forehead, closed her eyes, and laughed. A moment later Louise joined her.

  “Sorry—I don’t know why I’m so jumpy,” Alicen said.

  “You see a ghost up there or something?” Louise teased.

  Alicen shook her head. “No, but I think you may have a mouse problem.”

  “Great,” Louise said, rolling her eyes. She glanced down at Alicen’s chest and pointed. “What are those?”

  Alicen followed her gaze and saw that she was still holding the three children’s novels. She shrugged and handed the books to Louise, who took them and glanced them over.

  “Oh, man,” she said with a hint of wonder, “I haven’t seen these in forever. They were up there?”

  “Yeah, they fell off the back shelf—the reason I think you might have an unwelcome tenant.”

  Louise turned them over, a puzzled look on her face.

  “What’s wrong?” Alicen asked. She rubbed the spot on her hip that was still throbbing.

  “It’s just weird that they would be up there. All the rest of the children’s books are over there in the corner. I was just sorting through them.”

  “So they got misplaced,” Alicen said, ignoring the slight quickening in her pulse.

  “Yeah, must have.” Louise stared another moment before exhaling and walking the books back toward the corner where she was sorting their peers. Alicen took a steadying breath and chased away the ridiculous thoughts creeping into her mind. She carefully stole a glance back up toward the second floor, her body tensing, as if ready for something to spring from the darkness.

  “You wanna take a break?” Louise asked.

  Alicen released the tension in her shoulders and turned her eyes back to Louise. “Already?”

  Louise laughed and nodded. “Yeah, I think the dust in here is giving me a headache, and I could really go for a burger.”

  Alicen smiled. “And fries?”

  Louise looked taken aback and playfully placed her hand on her chest. “How long have we been friends? Have you ever known me to eat a burger without fries? I mean really, I’m offended.”

  Louise grabbed her purse as the two women headed for the exit, Alicen unable to stop herself from stealing one last glance at the upstairs floor, where there was nothing but shadows.

  5

  Alicen found herself riding shotgun as Louise pulled the car into a perfectly lined parking space outside Clover Mountain Retreat Center. Alicen stared out the front window at the beautifully constructed white buildings before her. Everything was just as the brochure had captured it. Rolling green lawns, trees that had been standing for decades, people walking the neat paths and sidewalks. It was stunning, well kept, and completely normal looking. Except for the large Clover Mountain Retreat Center sign than hung from the main building’s center archway. Every time Alicen pulled into this parking lot, that sign would be a blinding reminder of where she was and how she had gotten here. Glorious.

  Louise turned the engine off and exhaled loudly as she dropped back against her seat. “Here we are.”

  Here she was. Today Alicen was walking the grounds and meeting with her appointed support group. She assumed the point was to make connections with others suffering similarly, to be in a place where losing her mind wasn’t uncommon, because everyone around her was also losing their sanity, and somehow their shared trauma would help them all recover. What a crock.

  “Do you need a minute?” Louise asked.

  Prolonging the inevitable was for children; Alicen knew there was no running from this. “No, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” She opened her door and stepped out just as a familiar face approached from across the lawn. Clad in a black ensemble similar to what she’d worn the last time they met, Victoria gave a small wave and smiled. Alicen ignored the discomfort of her turning stomach. Everything about this day was going to be uncomfortable.

  Louise, now standing outside the car as well, waved back, then turned to give Alicen a reassuring grin. “I’ll be back to get you in an hour.”

  “You aren’t staying?” Alicen said, her voice tiny. A wash of nervous panic cascaded down her spine. She knew she sounded like a baby, knew that expecting Louise to accompany her while she sat through her support meetings was ridiculous, but some part of her mind had still believed she might.

  “Do you need me to stay?” Louise asked. That concerned look of sympathy flashed across her face.

  Alicen ground her molars and swallowed the resounding yes that wanted to echo from her lips. “No, that would be a waste of your time.”

  “I can stay—” Louise started.

  Alicen forced a chuckle and shook her head. “No, that would be crazy. I’ll just see you in an hour.”

  “Alicen—”

  “Go, Lou; I’m a grown woman. I’ll be fine,” Alicen said. It came out harsher than she’d have liked, but she was frantically covering up her insecurities of being left here alone and needed Louise to leave before she lost control of her will and began begging the woman to hold her hand.

  Louise shrugged slightly. “Okay, I’ll see you soon. Try to play nice with the others.”

  It was a small jab, and Alicen deserved it. Louise wasn’t wrong to warn Alicen against being mean. It was Alicen’s first and only defense mechanism. Alicen turned toward Victoria and heard Louise’s car roar to life behind her. This was it. A couple more steps and she’d be too far to turn back and run for cover. And Louise would be gone. Alicen would be facing her demons alone. A knot collected in her throat and she calmly tried to breathe through it. A couple more steps. Victoria’s stare came into perfect view, and the knot tightened. Alicen felt like a kid being dropped off for her first day of school or summer camp, every comfort she was used to stripped, only the terrifying unknown ahead. A couple more steps. The tires from her only retreat squeaked against the pavement as they pulled farther away. A couple more steps.

  “Glad to see you made it on time,” Victoria said, closing the gap and extending a welcoming hand.

  Alicen found herself sealing her fate as she shook Victoria’s hand and forced a tiny grin. This was all there was now.

  “It’s good to finally have you on campus,” Victoria said. “I know this process isn’t easy, so we’ll take it slow.”

  Alicen wanted to say, Yep. Slow and miserable like the rest of my life is bound to be. Instead she said, “It’s beautiful here.”

  Victoria smiled and glanced around. “Yes, my family took a lot of pride in making things well. If you’re ready, we’ll begin today with a short tour of the facility, and then I’ll take you to meet your network.”

  “Network?”

  Victoria answered, “We try to avoid words or phrases that a guest, such as yourself, might have negative associations with.”

  “Like support group.”

  “Exactly. It’s something my great-grandfather insisted on. We want people to have a different kind of experience with us. We want them to feel as comfortable as possible.”

  “Good luck,” Alicen teased, but she knew it sounded more defensive than humorous. There had been a time when self-control and emotional deceptiveness were strengths she wielded with pride; now sh
e could hardly fake a smile correctly.

  Victoria’s face didn’t even flinch. Her manufactured smile stayed untouched. She was used to dealing with people of Alicen’s kind, and Alicen wasn’t sure if that should make her feel comforted or distressed.

  “I think you’ll find that all the facilities are as beautiful inside as they are out,” Victoria said, turning her body toward the largest white building and beginning the trek forward across the lawn. Alicen swallowed another round of fear and followed.

  “The center structure directly in front of us, we call the big house,” Victoria began. “It is the focal point of the campus and the only original building still standing. Most everything else you see has been added as we grew, and modified to support the growing advancements in technology, medicine, and comfort. We ensure everything you could need you’ll find on the property, while we limit things from the outside environment that may act as triggers.” Victoria paused and turned back to face Alicen. “You’ll find the campus can feel like an island unto itself. A safe space away from the evil of the world.”

  She smiled, and a strange quiver pulsed at the base of Alicen’s spine.

  “In reviewing your file, I think some separation from the world would be healthy. Some space to get clarity and perspective on who you are and perhaps how you got here.”

  The small quiver in Alicen’s spine grew as Victoria held her stare and continued. “I sense you’re too smart for some of the games we play with guests; you’d see through that, so I’ll be transparent with you. I want to offer you help, but the first step to recovery is to recognize the missteps that you’ve taken thus far. Honesty is necessary. Acknowledgment of our—” Victoria paused as she searched for the proper word and then gave Alicen a slight smile—“inadequacies is where we begin.”

  Alicen again felt as if she had returned to childhood. A little girl waiting to be rebuked for all her mistakes. Standing before a disapproving mother, quick to remind Alicen that she had gotten here by her own faults. She felt the rise of tears sting her eyes.